I have been avoiding the thought of what we’d do with Will during the day for as long as possible, but I can’t put it off any longer. Part of me never thought the day would come. Back in November when I put my maternity leave proposal together it was a lifetime away. Eight weeks off, eight weeks part time from home, and then two and a half months home with dad during the summer totaled up to 9 months in the distant future. A whole newborn baby away in time.
I knew going into this that I could never be a stay-at-home mom. My financial decisions to borrow for school in my late teens and early twenties prevented it. We’ve spent the last year and a half paying cash for Joe’s Special Ed license so that he can get a full-time position. Debt has not been a blessing to us. It limits our choices and we have too much of it. So, we’ve decided not to borrow anymore but that doesn’t change that we still need my salary. The only way we could possibly maybe make it work is to sell our house, move into a small apartment in possibly a not great school district, and sell one of our cars. Our retirement would suffer. I’m not even sure we could get out of our house if we tried.
And then I think I probably wouldn’t be the best stay-at-home mom. I love my babe more than life itself, but I am not the most patient person. He might be better with someone who has experience teaching colors and baby sign language. I’m pretty sure I’d miss having a professional outlet and would regret lowering my overall earning potential by being out of the workforce for a number of years. I never thought I was the stay at home type, but I loved maternity leave. I was upset that it wasn’t even really on the table for discussion without slashing and burning lots of things. Especially when so many friends seemed to be able to stay at home with ease. (By the by, I am sure there is way more to each situation than I know. I am envious nonetheless.) When I think about leaving Will with someone I don’t feel good about, none of that matters. All I can think about is how I won’t get that time back. But there are obstacles aplenty.
So once faced with the idea of actually leaving my baby, I panicked. I didn’t have a rich uncle to swoop in and save me from my previous stupidity and allow us to afford living on one income. This was actually happening. We were running out of time. Some places laughed at me (nicely) when I asked if they had openings in August. I didn’t really sleep well to begin with since Will still gets up at night, usually 2-3 times, but I stopped sleeping restfully in between. What if we don’t find anyone?
We interviewed a few daycares ranging in style and curriculum. The most expensive couldn’t guarantee me that Will would be fed by the same person throughout the day. And one in-home person didn’t want me to drop by during the day because she was “too busy” with the one baby she is currently watching. It dawned on me – all of these people want my business and yet none of them have done what they are asking me to do. The teachers I met in the various Infant rooms were either college students working on their degrees with no children, or older and had stayed home with their kids and returned to childcare because they missed babies. In-home caregivers stay home with their own children and take on additional ones so that they can subsidize staying home. One director on the tour kept obnoxiously mentioning her niece that attended and her sister who couldn’t afford it so her parents’ paid for some so that she could get a good preschool education. It’s not the same, lady, sorry. I’m emotionally fragile and I don’t think you are more sympathetic to my plight by mentioning your niece. Act like you care about my baby at the very least. Talk to me about the Infant classroom.
Not to mention, how was I supposed to make a decision like this with so many variables in the air? We don’t know where Joe will land. Our house may have to eventually go on the market as he’s applying anywhere he can find within a 1-hour driving radius. We don’t know how much he’ll be making. His salary could increase enough to allow him to quit his two part time jobs, or it could double if they pay him for his Master’s Degree and experience. Can I in good conscience sign up to pay for daycare that costs more than my mortgage? Or agree to in home care not knowing how far he will have to drive to pick the baby up?
Thankfully after weighing all the possibilities I think we have found a place. God surely answered my prayers about finding someone we knew and an environment we felt good about. And there still may be an alternate possibility if Joe gets hired in a certain district he’s applied. In the back of my mind I still dread the day, though.
Anyway, I don’t mean to be a mom martyr about all this and I don’t mean to start a stay-at-home mom versus working mom debate. We beat ourselves up enough already. I just had zero idea how hard it would be for me to handle. Like, sick to my stomach hard. Lump in my throat and tearful daily breakdowns hard. Sometimes I think it may have been easier if I was interviewing places while I was still pregnant, but I’m not sure. I wish I could go back and tell my 18 year old self so many things. I’m sure I wouldn’t listen, but I could try. Everyone told me how difficult it is. But I had no idea until it was my own baby. No idea.
Really though, when I make myself think of the big picture, we are lucky in so many immeasurable ways. We both have good jobs and can afford a nice roof over our head. Each of us has had months home with Will – months more than most couples get. But it still tugs at my heartstrings more than I ever thought it would. And it makes me that much more determined to work hard to pay off our debt, put away college savings for our own child(ren), and pay off our house so that we are not limited in our choices because of money. I want to be able to give more and not worry about how it will impact our day-to-day.
Most importantly, I want to do right by this smiley face.
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